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Why do people continue to choose actions and indulge in behaviors that they know bring negativity and inspire resentment and disgust in their relationships? What is the pay off in the end for risking human relations?
The above questions was proposed, and it is very interesting. Here is one very interesting quirk in our psychology which needs to be addressed as it often leads to self sabotage.
The "quirk" is what can be called a Heuristic Driven Bias. This is when we pull on available information to form a bias. This is fine, yet normally the information we pull from already has a bias - the source of information many pull from is the media. The media covers stories based on their newsworthiness, but does not report every story; this creates a bias towards certain views. So lets look at an example.
What is more dangerous for children, having guns in the house, or backyard swimming pools?
This questions was addressed in Freakanomics (very interesting book!). Most parents allow their children to swim freely at friends houses or in the backyard, but cringe at the thought of guns being around their children. Why? Quite possibly because guns are portrayed so negatively in the media.
So what are the actual stats. Swimming pools are far more dangerous than guns. More than three times as many children will die in backyard swimming pools than they will from guns.
This is a somewhat sobering example. But what does it show us about the relationship and self sabotage question? Well, when we choose to accept information which are from a biased source, our actions and thoughts reflect that bias.
By this I mean, if you grew up in an abusive home, and you look around you and then choose to see that many families are abusive, you will accept this as YOUR norm. It is a not based on all available information, only information which you have programmed yourself to see. This means some people will be abusers because they see it as the norm and others will stay in abusive relationships because there is no real alternative in their eyes - that is just how relationships are. They pull "evidence" from around them to support that view. And the media once again does a lovely job of making us believe we live in a horrible world.
As a child it is hard to look for evidence outside of immediate circumstance (my personal views address this, and explain why we must be "programmed" in this way during our young years, but that will come in a later article). Yet as we get older we can overcome these tendencies. We can choose to look at different alternatives and find evidence for that alternative. If we are in an abusive relationship (as the abuser or the abused) if we choose to look at a wide scope of relationships we will see that there is an alternative and that in fact a negative relationship is not the only way.
